Intent

When I was a little girl, my mother always kept a journal.  Mostly she wanted to document events in her life.  I would  creep into her room and read them.  Most of her ramblings were about me and my father.  Little of it was true but they gave me an insight into how cruel she truely was.  She always said that one day her journals would mean something to someone.  I always felt it was her way of trying to discredit others and justify her actions.

I swore I would never keep a journal.  First of all, who has the time.  Second, I don’t want anyone to read my thoughts and judge me or worse, hold my thought and feelings against me.  Most of all, I don’t want to be anything like my mother.  As I grow older, I hope that someday this will mean something to someone.  I also have a new found realization that I am here to help others limit their own suffering.  If that means that others will judge me, I am willing to put myself out there for the chance that one person will find their path to a better way of life.

Growing up, I had what I thought was an abnormal childhood.  When I compared myself to others, I craved being what I thought was normal.  Instead I was ashamed of my family and the way that I lived on the fringe of society.  Recently, I have seen the true essence of most people and discovered that I don’t want to be like them.  Most people that seem normal have their own issues, based on their own experiences, and insecurities.

There are aspects of my being that are like my mother.  I look at my hands and I see hers.  I see my reflection in the mirror and I see her body type.  When I get frustrated with my children, I hear her voice.  I can’t deny or change that.  But there are aspects of me that will never be like her.  Those are the parts of me that I love.

The purpose of me writing this has nothing to do with justifying my actions or documenting events.  Instead this is a combination of my beliefs, how I see the world, and a way to pass on another way of thinking.  So many people think they have it all figured out.  I have yet to find someone who actually does.  I don’t by any means think I have it all figured out.  I just hope that I can be a guide to a path of totality.