Every step of my journey has been providing me with the perspective to move forward. While in the moment, I didn’t understand it. So much of it was painful and I spent a great deal of time angry. I didn’t understand why I had to endure so much frustration and alienation. Each challenge has provided me with the tools that I need to continue on this path. At times, I had to repeat lessons in different forms until I could learn from my mistakes. My life has been a puzzle. As I began to put the pieces together, the picture takes shape.
As far back as I can remember, I have always know that I wasn’t like everyone else. I have tried to fit in, be like those around me. My family has always treated me like I was different. Like I was special in some unexplainable way. I have a way of knowing things without explanation. I don’t have visions or hear voices. Instead I just know. I know what is going to happen before it happens. I know what people are going to say or how they are going to react before they do it. I know past events that have occurred in people’s lives when I first meet them. I know about events happening across the globe without any information. I never knew why I knew these things. When I was younger, my mother was terrified of my abilities and tried to repress them. My dad wasn’t scared of them but didn’t know how to encourage them. His only method was allowing me to dive into science fiction movies. Movies always felt more real to me than real life. I felt a deep connection to aliens, time travel, space, colonizing planets, and ancient cultures.
I have always been in a rush. I acted more like an adult than most adults. It is difficult as a child to realize early on that you are more mature and responsible than you own parents. I’ve had this instinctual feeling that my time here is short and that I have a lot to do. In all my jobs, I have been the youngest in my field. I am frequently referred to as an old soul or wise beyond my years.
I have also always had a desire for freedom, to not follow the rules, to push what society says is true or how it has to be. I frequently challenge the status quo. Tell me something can’t be done and I will prove you wrong. I also have a strong connection to animals and feel refreshed being in nature. I also felt there is a missing truth. Something just beyond our realm of consciousness that if found would make everything make sense.
I have searched for something I could believe in. This longing desire to feel with every ounce of my being something that I knew was true. Nothing ever did it for me. I could believe in some aspects but not the whole spiritual shebang. I have often felt jealous of individuals who believe in a religion whole heartedly. At other times, I wonder if they truly believe or if they just say they do. This longing has lead me on my journey of discovery. I have different level of “ah ha” moments. These moments come in waves. It is like sparks of 100% clarity. It’s like being in love. No one can tell you that you are or your not. You just know.
I believe that most religions, principles of psychology, physics are true. They are just fragments of the same thing. If put together with an open and unbiased heart they all come to the same conclusion. This knowledge has hit me somewhat rapidly. Like I was activated. Like a switch was turned on. I see the signs all around me and realize they have been increasing over the last year more rapidly each month. I feel like a sponge. I want to learn more and more. A tiny nugget of information and I get knowledge that answers all my questions.
Path of Totality 